


It's Between Me & You (The Story of Us)

by daretoliveforever



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-19
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-29 20:06:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/690929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daretoliveforever/pseuds/daretoliveforever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>We all mess up. That’s inevitable. But have you ever had those times in your life where you wish you could go back in time and fix the mistakes you have made and slap some sense into yourself? Well if you have then we’re on the same page. My name is Louis Tomlinson and this is my story of life, love, heartbreak and forgiveness. </p><p>-OR-</p><p>Louis finally tells his head to shut up and begins to listen to what his heart tells him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Between Me & You (The Story of Us)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not from England. I'm an American. I don't know how the school systems work in Britain so there might (possibly) be many inaccuracies.

It began in maths class. He was a friend of a friend. I sat beside him in our class. Few words were exchanged. Nothing much, but he was nice and had a nice smile and an even greater laugh.

Maths class turned into art class. In art, we worked beside each other. A couple comments were exchanged. Mostly ‘I like that painting’ or ‘that’s a really good photograph’. Simple things, nothing more.

Then one day it was a question. Just a simple one. He asked “Who wants to eat lunch with me?” With a simple reply, it began everything I knew “I will.”

That one lunch period spent together turned into another, and then another. Soon, it turned into lunch together every day. Lunch periods turned into the short breaks between classes, and then to the time before school began. Eventually, I spent every chance I could with him. We were a pair. We went from two strangers, to two best friends. It wasn’t weird, it was right.

That school year began something great. I just wish I had known that then, but I was blind and stupid.

At the time, all I knew was how much I loved being around him. He was great fun. We always had a laugh when we were together. It was perfect. I knew our friendship was a bit different then everyone else’s but I didn’t care. What we had together was comforting. It was nice to have another person there for you when no one else would be. He was always there, and never questioned it.

We weren’t the most popular boys in school, but I preferred that. But because we were lowly on the social status of our school year, we didn’t have all that many girls drooling over us. None to be exact. Neither of us had ever had a girlfriend. Not once from the time we had become friends. So, whenever our school had a dance, we would go together, as friends, and have fun together.

It wasn’t anything unusual to us. I never worried about what others thought of us. To me, it was just the two of us, best mates.

~*~

_It was a typical day. Our group of friends stood outside the courtyard in the center of the school. It was a nice sunny day in the middle to October. The weather was nice, for the time being of course. It was our break period. People mulled about the school, wandering from their lockers to the student center, or to their next class._

_I wasn’t exactly paying attention to the conversation my friends were having, not until Niall, who was a loud, fun loving lad, called my name. I looked over at his smiling face._

_“You know there was a rumour last year that you and Harry were together?” He said._

_My eyes widened comically in surprise. I hadn’t heard about that rumour. I was confused to be honest. I thought that people just thought that Harry and I were nothing but good friends, but I guess I was mistaken. In a way I could understand why people thought that, I mean, right now I was leaning against Harry’s chest while soaking in the warmth of the sun. It was something I always did; it’s something_ we _always did. We had very little boundaries when it came to each other._

_“Seriously? Where’d you hear that?” I asked curiously. I was curious to see who thought that, but more so to see if the person was known to be cheeky and start rumours or if they genuinely believed Harry and I were together._

_“I don’t remember. But I was sat in class and the two people in front of me were talking about how they thought you and Harry were a couple.” Niall said it with a smirk. Almost like he knew more than I did, but he was always a cheeky chap, so I must have been over thinking things again._

_Harry just laughed at the vague story. But something about it bothered me. I knew it shouldn’t have, but it did_

“Louis!”

I shook my head, ridding away the memory of when my friendship with Harry had taken a turn for the worst. It was a memory I always hated. I hated it for many different reasons. One because of how I reacted in general after Niall had mentioned the rumour. Another, because that was the day I began to lose the person that meant the most to me.

“What’s up mate?” My best mate, Liam, asked me.

“Urm, it’s nothing. Look Li I gotta go, I’ve got an exam to study for if I wanna pass the class.” It was a lie of course, I didn’t study for exams. Well, not until 10 minutes before the test started. 

Liam either was too oblivious to notice the lie, or just didn’t know me well enough to know when exactly I was lying. Either way, I needed out. 

“Sure thing Louis, I’ll catch you later then, yeah?”

“Yeah alright, later Li.” 

I hastily made my way out of the dining hall on our Uni campus and headed toward the only place I could be alone, my dorm room. I was only a second year at college, but I had already snagged a single room. It’s not that I didn’t like sharing with a roommate... Ok that’s a lie, I hated sharing a room. My roommate my first year, a boy named Daniel, was a complete dickhead. He was always coming back late and making tons of noise, especially when I was trying to do homework or sleep. He just ruined that whole experience. But he moved out at the end of the first semester, so I had a double room to myself for the remainder of the year. Now I’ve got my own room, my own safe haven.

I was running from myself again. I always was. Whenever I remembered something about Harry and me, I would be racked with guilt and also regret. Back then, I didn’t know who I was I guess. I was fighting myself even back then. See the thing is I’ve always known who I was. Deep, deep down I’ve always known. But fear does a lot of things to a person. And that was just it, I was  _terrified_ of who I was. 

See the truth of the matter is, my heart was always telling me one thing, but my head was telling me another. I knew I should have listened to my heart, even back when Harry and I were _HarryandLouis_ , but I didn’t. My head was telling me that what I was feeling was wrong, that it was impossible for me to like a guy in any form other than strict friendship. While my head told me that, my heart told me another thing. It told me that it doesn’t matter who the person is, if I fall in love with them, then that’s all that matters. My heart was telling me the one thing that I was afraid of. I was afraid of the person I truly was.

The thing is I’m actually gay. I didn’t want to be this way. I never choose to be this kind of person, but I had no choice in the matter. My heart knew it. My head even knew it; it just wouldn’t let me accept it. I refused to accept who I was as a person.

I first realized that I wasn’t exactly strait when I was around 14. My best mate and I went to go see the new Spider-Man movie. We always went to the movies, mostly because that was really the only thing there was to do. So we went. I can’t remember the movie for the life of me if I’m honest. The only thing I remember about that particular trip to the movies was the strong urge to kiss him. I know it sounds cliché to kiss someone while watching a movie in the cinemas, but I was 14! I don’t know why I wanted to, I just did. I even played out what would happen if I leaned over the short space between him and me and kissed him. I never did do that. I was too afraid to do that. But that memory was the first time I remember ever feeling attracted to another man.

After the movie incident, I got really afraid of what was going on with me. I didn’t even know what being gay meant back then. I mean, I knew about being gay, I knew some of my parent’s mates were gay, but it never came across my mind that it was even a possibility that _I_ could be gay. It was one of those things that seemed so far off that it didn’t even seem plausible that it could affect you personally.

I never mentioned this incident to my parents. I didn’t know what they would think of me if they knew I wanted to kiss my male best friend, even if it was that one and only time. So I kept my lips sealed for the time being. And I pushed every possibility of being gay out of my head.

Before I entered into Year 9 I transferred schools. My family moved into a bigger house on the opposite side of town, closer to a different school. I was okay with this; it would at least provide me with a fresh start and new people to meet. That year was the year I met Niall and Zayn. They soon became my best mates and we were virtually inseparable as a group. I wish I could tell you more about what happened with Years 9 and 10 but not much happened. I just went through the motions of school and tried to avoid having my face smashed in by the football team.

When I started Year 11, that’s when things began to change. That’s because that was the year I met Harry. It turned out that Harry was already mates with Zayn, I just didn’t know it. (Don’t ask me how I didn’t know, I just never met him before and Zayn never mentioned him that I’m aware of.)

The beginning of that year was typical. Boring classes. Pointless homework. Exams that are sent from Satan himself. All the normal things. I talked to Harry a little bit, mostly because I was sat beside him in our maths and art class. It was early in the year, I think late September-ish, when he asked that question that started it all.

I walked into my dorm room, carelessly dropping my backpack on the floor while I collapsed onto my bed. I was through with classes for the day, thankfully, so I intended to take a nap. Well, that’s what I had hoped to do anyway. But with the memories of Harry coming more and more, I was finding it increasingly difficult to sleep. Closing my eyes, all I saw were the familiar curls and green eyes.

It probably wouldn’t have been so bad if I had at least talked to him over the past two years, we haven’t unfortunately. The day we graduated from Year 12, was the last day that I spoke to Harry Styles. It’s been nearly two years!

Now I’m not saying that I thought of Harry a lot over the past year and a half. I actually thought of him relatively little for the longest time. When I first arrived at Uni, I was so focused on my classes and what I wanted to do for the rest of my life and _trying_ to make friends, that Harry was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t start thinking about him until a few months ago.

A few months ago, around early September, I was getting tired of lying to myself. That month I spent many days reflecting on who I was as a person. That was the month that I realized that I was gay. I realized it first. Realizing it wasn’t the hard part, accepting it was. I only really accepted the fact that I’m gay about a month or two ago. What struck me during that time were the continual thoughts of my former best mate. When I sat down and thought about it, I realized that I had really liked Harry. Like, _really_ liked Harry. As far as I’m concerned he’s really the only person I actually liked and cared about throughout school. He meant more to me than those girls I thought I could like.

By the time November rolled around I knew two things. One, I was gay and I accepted that. Two, I still liked Harry… a lot. 

But what was I supposed to do about it now! That was always the hard part. After we graduated, we went our separate ways, to separate universities. Sure we were still Facebook friends but what was I supposed to say?

_“Oh hey Haz, just realized I’m gay and that I still like you, yeh I liked you in school. thought you should know. k bye!”_

Yeah… no.

That just left me with a lot of unspoken feelings I guess.

I guess I should mention this as well, I’m going to see Harry this May. I am absolutely shitting myself! In May my eldest sister will be graduating from Year 12 and one of Harry’s cousin, Matt, will be graduating as well. That means in May, I’m going to have to face him again.

I should be happy about that right? Well I’m not because I don’t know what to say to him when I do see him. I want to tell him how I felt and that I was sorry for everything that happened, but I didn’t know how to. What if I tell him and he’s appalled at me? Then what? Not only did I just out myself to him, but then I’d have a stake shoved through my heart. Maybe I’m being dramatic but I’m really scared and nervous of seeing him again.

As I lay on my bed, looking around my bland dorm room, my eyes slowly drooped closed into sleep.

_The bright starry night sky stretched over me. I lay on my back, looking up at the crystal clear night sky. The waves gently rocking the boat back and forth while the thump of music filtered up from the lower level of the boat. I tilted my head to the side. Harry was lying beside me, watching the stars as well._

_We were supposed to be dancing I guess. I mean that’s what you’re supposed to do at a dance right? You’re supposed to dance. But we didn’t want to. Instead we lay on the top of the party boat looking at the sky._

_He looked beautiful. The stars shone down on him, framing him in a gentle glow. We were both dressed decently. He looked far better than I did that’s for sure. He had arrived earlier that evening at my house to help me get ready for the dance. Neither of us had dates, so we went together._

_Harry titled his head towards me, looking at me and smiling._

I pried my eyes open. My room was dark. I looked at my alarm clock to see that I had been asleep for nearly 3 hours. It didn’t seem like it. The dream I had, which actually was a memory of Harry and I, lay fresh in my mind. That was one of those memories where I knew Harry meant more to me than just a friend, even if I wouldn’t let myself believe it when it occurred.

That dance was when things were still good. But a month later was when things began to turn to shit.

~*~

I shouldn’t have read it. But I did. On the 12th of December 2010, I knew that Harry and I were no longer friends. The day before I had received my letter of acceptance from my university, so I was over the moon I was so happy. But the next day, I got a notification on Facebook that I had been tagged in a note.

I shouldn’t have read the note, but I did and it broke my heart. The note was basically a super long list of everything that I had done to hurt Harry. No names were written in it, but I knew. I knew because it was everything that had happened with Harry and me. When I first started reading it, I wasn’t even half way through it and I was already crying. My mum saw me reading it, she told me not to finish it because she knew it would hurt me, but I had to read it. I had to know what had happened.

So I finished the note.

I can’t even put into words everything I was feeling after I read it. I was upset, angry, betrayed, confused, and so many other things. The worst part about the whole thing was the comments. He had tagged every one of his friends in the note so everyone knew to read it. Everyone knew the things I did, even if they didn’t know it was me, they knew that I had hurt him. The things people were saying tore me up the most, because they were mostly comments on how horrible it was that someone was treating Harry that way. They didn’t know me; they didn’t know what _actually_ happened. They only know what he wrote. It was a one-sided story. They weren’t there when those things were happening in real time.

The next day I went into school. People were being super nice to Harry and giving him hugs and being all buddy-buddy with him. No one noticed how broken I was. They didn’t see what that note had done to me. Hell, Harry didn’t even look at me to see how I was feeling about all of it.

And so it went from there. We didn’t talk. We didn’t acknowledge each other. It was like we didn’t exist to the other person. No one noticed that we weren’t hanging out with each other anymore. If they did, they never said anything about it. I think Niall knew what happened, but he did his best to remain friends with us both. I felt bad for him in a way, he was stuck between a fight that wasn’t a fight.

In January our class went on a retreat in the middle of nowhere. We stayed in cabins out in the woods. Niall and I were lucky; we got placed into the same cabin.  Harry was placed in another cabin. We went through the retreat as planned. Everything was fine. I tried to get close to Harry again, Niall even tried to help with that. But it didn’t work. If anything, I think it just pushed him further away. That’s why I had decided to write him a letter.

In February I wrote him the letter. It was to apologize for everything I had done or said that hurt him. He got it and read it. It was over a week before he responded to me. He didn’t say anything to me, but he gave me another letter in return. I can’t really say what the letter said because I can’t really remember, but what I do know was he kept saying something along the lines of “we’re never going to be able to be like we were.”

I think that’s what hurt the most. He understood what happened a little more, but he still barely wanted to speak to me.

Months rolled by and eventually it was early May. It was 2 weeks before our graduation. As tradition held, our class went on a trip to a lake. It was a nice trip, a bit cold, but overall it was nice. Harry and I had started talking a little more before then, but not a whole lot. That’s why I was surprised when we spent the majority of our time together on this trip to the lake. I don’t know what had happened, maybe it was the knowledge that we would be graduating soon, or maybe Harry was finally ready to start forgiving me, but he was there by my side the whole day.

Most of the day was spent out on the lake in canoes or in little row boat things. The row boats were made only for two, so it was just Harry and I in the boat. And that’s what we did all day; we just sat in the boat and talked. (I might add that I got a massive sunburn on my ankles, worst place for sunburn!)

After months of not speaking to each other, Harry and I had finally begun speaking together and started acting more like the friends we used to be. But of course, we only had 2 weeks until we went our separate ways.

In late May, Harry and I graduated from school. The ceremony was boring, but we made it through clapping as each name was read off and after speeches were made. All the students sat patiently through the whole thing. The best part about it was a slideshow of all the students throughout the year of our class. Pictures of friends went across the screen, accompanied by inspiring songs. I felt tears in my own eyes (everyone had tears in their eyes also so don’t judge me) as pictures of me and my friends went by. Every picture was another memory. Memories I didn’t want to forget.

After the ceremonies, about 3 hours later all the students were crammed into several buses and transported to our final event as a class, our All-Nighter. Basically it’s where they dump us off at a water park/arcade/bowling alley/anything else that can occupy the mind of a bunch of 17 year olds for an entire night.

I spent most of my night with Niall and Zayn. I don’t know what happened to Harry. I only saw him occasionally throughout the night. But that was it. That night was the last night I ever spoke to Harry. The next morning they transported our sleeping bodies back to the school for our parents to pick up, and that was the end of it.

~*~

Fast forward to 2013. That’s where we are today, with me being a Uni student with a shit job (I clean my dormitory on the weekends, believe me, it’s shit), and more problems to count on my fingers.

When you enter into Uni, you’ve got the mindset that these are gonna be some of the best years of your life. They're the final years before you're out in the big world on your own. Everything is supposed to be good. And well, everything was up until October of last year. In October Mum went in for a surgery on Halloween. It wasn't supposed to be bad. She was getting older and her lady parts just weren't working the way that they should. So she had the surgery. We didn't expect for the doctors to return and tell us that they found something. It's that one word no one ever wants to hear. Cancer. 

And so began the downward spiral of my life. 

Mum put on a brave face the whole time, but I knew she was struggling. I knew there were pent up emotions that she wasn't allowing us to see. It was hard to hear. I wasn't at home; I was stuck miles away at school. I started calling Mum every night to see how she was coping. So far she was doing ok. Whenever I spoke to her on the phone, I would have to put on a brave face for her. I couldn't let her see how scared I was. 

This weekend I was going home to see my family. Dad was coming to pick me up from school early Friday morning. Of course, Friday morning was also the morning that Mums first chemo treatment was. I was afraid to see her when we got back. I didn't know what state she would be in. That thought alone was terrifying. That’s what I always hated about being away from school, I never knew what was going on at home and I never knew what to expect when I returned.

By the time Dad had picked me up from school for the weekend I was nervous for numerous reasons. One, I didn't know what to expect when we picked Mum up from her treatment. Two, I was going to come out to Mum and Dad. This weekend would either go really well, or really bad. Let's hope for the former. 

~*~

When we picked Mum up from her treatment, she was doing alright. She was tired and a bit nauseous but she had a smile on her face and was laughing at something when I walked into her treatment room. When I first saw her, she looked the same as always. I grabbed her in a gentle hug, whispering that I loved her into her ear. She smiled at me, kissing me on the cheek.

My sister Lottie was with Mum. She sat in with her whist she was having the treatment done. I needed to thank her for that. For not letting Mum be alone during all of this. Mum’s treatment lasted longer than we were told it would. They told her that it would take about 4 hours, but in reality, it took 7! So by the time it hit 2 o’clock, my younger sisters needed to be picked up from school. Mum obviously couldn’t go get them, and Dad was going to stay with her for the remainder of the treatment, which left Lottie and I to go pick up the twins.

Basically it just ended up being Lottie and I blasting the car radio all the way to the school and laughing at the looks people would make when Lottie would start making faces at them.

We went home after picking up the other 3 girls from school. It was half 3 by the time we got back home. As we sat around our living room, either watching TV or doing something on their laptop, I couldn’t help but let my mind race around how I would tell my parents. I mean I could always tell Lottie and then she could tell them. She was the one who told my parents that I was going to switch my major. I was so scared to tell them about that, that Lottie ended up telling them while I started crying. But they were happy for me about that, so why wouldn't they be about this? Anyways, I know that this is something that I needed to do on my own.

But I never got my chance. Not today anyway. When Mum and Dad got home, we went out to dinner. Mum was surprisingly hungry. With Mum’s new diet plan, we were restricted on what she would be able to eat. Eventually we settled on Italian food, at least Mum would be able to have something that wasn’t fried or spicy.

Anyway, as we sat around the table, each enjoying our meals, a thought came to me. When I picked up the twins and Fizzy, I had seen Matt as well. I talked to him a little bit. He was a friend of mine so there wasn’t anything odd about it. The thing that bothered me was Lottie had said something like “yeah his cousin told me to call him a delicate flower when I saw him” in reference to Matt. The thing is Harry was the only one of Matt’s cousins that will talk to him.

I leaned over to Lottie during dinner and asked her about that.

“Did you say earlier that you’ve been texting Harry?”

“Yeah, he’s the only one who will text me.” She responded.

“What do you mean?”

“I text a lot of people, but he’s the only one who will actually text me back.”

What bothered me so much about this was the fact that Harry was texting my sister! AND YET HE REFUSES TO TALK TO ME WHO WAS HIS BEST MATE IN SCHOOL! Maybe I’m just being an idiot and completely over thinking this whole thing, but what the hell!

After stewing over that new piece of knowledge, I let the subject drop for the time being.

As you may be able to see, I didn’t exactly come out to my parents like I had planned too. Well, not until the following afternoon. We were sat around the living room; I was completely zoned out when Mum interrupted my thoughts.

“Louis, what’s wrong?” My mum asked me looking up from her computer screen. I should’ve known that I wouldn’t be able to get anything past my mum’s knowing stares. She probably noticed that I had gotten increasingly fidgety since arriving home.

“It’s nothing really.” I said averting my eyes back to the television. I knew that this was the opportunity I could tell them, but I couldn’t think over the churning in my stomach.

“Lou, I know you better than that. What’s wrong?” She asked again.

“Uh, well I wanted to talk to you and Dad about something.”

Dad looked up from his phone, watching me curiously as I fiddled around with my hands, trying to find the words for what I was about to say.

“Well you see… I, um… it’s just that…”

“Come on Lou, spit it out.” Lottie said from her spot beside me on the couch. 

“I’m gay.”

The silence was so thick in that room that you could literally cut it down the middle with a knife.

“Ha! Told you.” Dad said giving Mum an “I told you so” look.

“I never said you were wrong!” Mum shot back rolling her eyes at my father. 

“Yeah but I noticed first.”

“Uh excuse me?” I said breaking into my parent’s conversation “What do you mean by that?”

Dad smiled at me.

“We’ve always known that Lou. It never bothered us. We were just waiting for you to tell us when  _you_  were ready.” Dad responded.

“I’m proud of you Boo.” Mum said. With the added nickname, I knew that Mum actually meant that, she actually was proud of me.

“Um ok well that wasn’t what I had expected.”

“Yeah well you were never that discrete about it. I mean, did you see how you and Harry used to act?” Lottie chirped in with a smirk.

Ohh so everyone thought that. Not just the people at school, but my own parents and sisters too!

“How long have you known?” Dad asked.

“A couple of months.”

“Really?” Lottie said

“Well, I guess I’ve always  _known_. I would just never let myself accept it.”

“Why?” Mum questioned

“I don’t know. I just… I never wanted to be this way I guess. I was afraid to be this way. But I know better now and I’m happy with who I am so…”

“Well good for you then, you deserve to be happy Lou.”

And with that, the conversation was over. Just like that.

~*~

I’m not sure why I think I should tell you this, but I feel like it’s important. I am a strong Christian. And with that, I hear _often_ how it’s a sin to be gay. Like, I hear it way more than I should. I mean I always knew that that was a belief in this faith (even though it’s a shitty thing to believe), but it never occurred to me just how much it bothered me until it became a constant mention in my life.

The thing is Liam and I are a part of a Christian group on our Uni campus. It’s all fine and everything, I mean I’ve made some really good friends within this group and I’ve been given loads of opportunities because of it. But when I returned to Uni for my second year, I began to hear a lot more of the homophobic beliefs.

The things people say never used to bother me, but as I began to realize who I was, that’s when the things they said really began to affect me. It’s like I would take 2 steps forward, and then something would be said and I would end up taking one giant leap back.

I’ve been working on it. I mean I know what I believe and I know that God won’t punish me because I’m gay. If He is an all powerful, all loving God, why would he allow people to be gay if it was such a horrible sin? If he really thought it was as terrible as people say it is, then He would have stopped it. Right? Besides what happened to God being all forgiving and all loving?

Being gay is something that I am, it is who I am and I am not a sin.

Not sure why I thought this was relevant, but I wanted to share this part of my life with you as well.

~*~

Back at school, nothing new has happened, as usual. Nothing ever happens here... well maybe parties and drunken idiots who fall asleep in the street and die of hypothermia but that’s the most eventful thing that actually happens here. It’s a very routine life here. Get up. Get dressed. Go to dining hall to either get a latte or a cup of tea. Go to class. Try to focus on class and not on your phone or the people conversing behind you. Get lunch. Nap. Wake up. Do homework. Spend night on tumblr. Go back to sleep. Repeat. That's all my life is. A routine. 

Whenever I get so wrapped up in the routine of things, more often than not, my mind would wander. And as always it wandered to the thought of Harry. Sometimes they were the bad memories, the times when I hurt him unintentionally, other times, they were the good. They were the memories of all the fun times we had. The little things that he used to do. 

One memory in particular that I kept coming back to was a recent one. Not from two years ago, but more like a few months ago. November to be exact. I was home for holiday. The week had been going by really well, no mishaps or anything. Just me and my family spending time together. I remember one night; Lottie was in her room playing some video game that one of her friends had given her. It was one of those games where you shot at everything. I never liked those games, but she did I guess. Anyway, she was talking to Matt. I guess you could say we were good mates, I mean knew him fairly well; he was Harry's cousin after all. I had walked into Lottie's room to figure out what all her screaming and laughing was about when she told me that she was playing with Matt. She also said that Matt was being mean and wouldn't let her say hi to Harry. I joked around with her for a little bit, teasing her about wanting to talk to Harry when I heard Matt's voice come over the headset Lottie had on.

"Hey Louis, Harry says hi."

After that Lottie started screaming at Matt to give Harry the headset (he never did). But I didn't care about that. The thing I cared about was that Harry had acknowledged me, even if it was a message via his cousin. The point was, he still remembered me and still cared enough to say hi.

I don't know why I liked that memory so much, but it was one that I always came back to.

~*~

I've come to realize something. I've finally figured out something about myself. I tend to avoid any form of relationship. It's not because I don't want to be in a relationship. It’s not because people don't want to be with me. It’s because I'm afraid of being hurt. I've had so many people come into my life, so many friends, acquaintances and people in general come into my life and just get up and leave. When they leave, they leave me broken on the floor. They hurt me and leave. No one stays. No one. That may be a bit sadistic, but it’s true, well at least in my life it’s been true. 

Maybe I do it to protect myself, or maybe its cause I'm afraid to actually put myself out there and get close to someone. I don't know, but I'm so so afraid of it. 

I remember I would always make friends. We would be really close and we would do just about anything and everything together. But then as the years go by, and the more people we met, the more my mate would fall away, the farther they would go, but they wouldn't leave without tearing me down first. 

I'm going to be honest. I hate this. I hate how I can't trust someone to stay. I'm always so afraid of having my heart broken. It terrifies me that if I let someone in, that they will crush me and take off without a second thought, without looking back. I hate this.

I think the only time I ever wanted to be with some was when I first realized how deep my feelings ran for Harry. When I figured out how much I liked him, I wanted to take that risk. I wanted to put my heart on the line to be with him, to know that he's there and that he cares. But the thing is, I realized this too late. By the time I got my head out of my arse, he was gone. And that’s the worst part; he was one of those people that did hurt me. I don’t think he knows that. I don’t think he understands what he did to my heart.  I don't know if he will ever know that either. I know he meant a lot to me. The thing is, how do you be with someone when you fucked up royally and when you never see them. It’s been two years. Two fucking years since I last saw his smile and heard his laugh. It’s ripping me apart. Right now in my life, he is the only person I would put my heart on the line for.

But he won't ever know that. He won't see it. He doesn't know what he's done to me. He doesn't know how he took my heart. He stole my heart over two years ago and never gave it back. How are you supposed to move on when the person you know you could love still holds your heart in their hands. Can you even get your heart back from them? Or will they hold you captive for the rest of eternity? (I'm being dramatic I know). 

~*~

Have you ever had one of those times where it feels like your heart has been ripped out? Like you've been betrayed even though you have no right to feel that way? Yeah that's what I felt when I clicked on Facebook and saw that Harry's status went from "single" to "in a relationship” It shouldn't have hurt so much, but it did. Maybe it was because I lost the one thing I wanted. I can’t have the thing I want. I want Harry, but it doesn't matter anymore. But of course, did I ever have him? Would I ever have had him in the first place?

~*~

Year 12. 

Prom.

I. Had. A. Date.

Prom my last year of school was supposed to be something good. For the first time in my life, I actually had a date to a dance! It was supposed to be a happy memory. But it wasn't. If anything, prom left me broken, more than it should have.

I asked a girl to the dance. Her name was Eleanor. She was a friend of mine. I thought that if no one else wanted to go with me, well then I might as well go with a friend and have fun. So I asked El. She really liked Skittles so I thought it would be cute to ask her by writing out "will you go to prom with me?" on one side of the skittles and numbers on the other side. When you put the numbers in order and turned the sweets over, they spelt out the message. I thought it was cleaver. I put them in a jar with a note from myself and had one of my mates give it to her. I was too nervous to give it to her myself, so I had someone else do it. 

That night was the first night I felt my heart begin to crack. Lottie got a call from Eleanor’s sister. El was planning on asking another guy to prom. She didn't know if she wanted to go with me or not. Lottie told me this. I felt my heart shatter as I curled into a ball and cried. 

No one wanted me. Not even one of my friends wanted to go with me.

The next day at school I was a mess. I didn't want to see her, not when I knew what was going to happen. 

As the class bell rang, I saw her. She looked at me and said "I don't know" and walked away. She showed no emotions when she said it. I felt empty.

Later that week, I learned that she did ask out the other guy. We had a week off from school so I heard nothing for a week. I had pretty much written it off. It was like a slap in the face knowing that El went out and asked another guy to prom after I had asked her. 

When we returned from the week off of school, Eleanor came up to me and asked  _me_  out to the prom. First off, WHAT! I asked her first, and now  _she’s_  asking me out? Second, are you fucking kidding me! She broke me! Why should I agree to go with her?

But as she looked at me and smiled I couldn't get my mother’s words out of my head. She wanted me to go to prom so bad. She didn't want me to go with a friend; she wanted to see me go to a dance with a girl just once. 

I shouldn't have done it, but I did.

I told Eleanor yes.

Turns out that the guy that Eleanor asked out didn’t even bother giving her an answer, which is why she asked me.

The night of the prom, I picked El up and we went to some friend’s house for dinner. It was nice, it was fun (sorta awkward though). When we got to the prom, she basically ignored me the whole time. I mean, yeah we danced at the slow songs and stuff, but she spent most of the night with her mates. So I went and spent time with my friends. About halfway into the dance, I learned that one of my good friends was sick in the bathroom. He had been super excited about the dance, but ended up on his knees vomiting all night in the toilet. I went to go see him at one point to see if he was alright. Harry was there too. He was checking up on him as well. As we left the restroom and headed back towards our group of friends, Harry turned to me and said "you look really nice tonight."

Out of that whole night, that was the only good thing that happened. That was the only thing that I wanted to remember. I wanted to be his date, not Eleanor’s. I wanted prom pictures with him. I didn't want my photo to be hung in Eleanor’s house; I wanted it to be in Harry's. I wanted to hold him in my arms while the photographer snapped a picture of us. But of course, that never happened. Plus, I didn’t even realize how badly I wanted that until it was too late.

That was the only thing he said to me that night, but it was still a memory I clung too. 

~*~

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Before I knew it, it was May and only 2 weeks until Lottie’s graduation. This also meant that there were 2 more weeks until I came face to face with Harry again.

Lottie wasn't feeling well a few days before her final exams so I ended up having to drive her to school one Friday. Normally when people are sick, they stay home. However that doesn't work in my family. Unless your head is in the toilet and you are literally pucking your guts out, you have to go to school. So with Lottie heavily medicated, I offered to take her to school and pick her up.

At 2:45pm I was sat in my car waiting for her to get out of class. As I always do when I drive, I have the radio cranked up and I'm belting out the songs that come on. Now I don’t give 2 shits what anyone thinks when I get this opportunity. I always found it quiet entertaining to be honest. I did earn many funny looks from the other parents waiting for their kids though. 

A burst of warm arm hit my side; I turned and saw Lottie sliding into the passenger seat.

“Do you have to be so embarrassing?” She said lazily

“Yes.” I mused with a wide mirthful grin.

She rolled her eyes, placing her bag at her feet and leaning back against the seat. I put the car in drive and started to roll out of the school lot. Lottie peeked her eyes open, sitting up quickly and rolling her window down. I didn’t even have time to register what she was doing before she started shouting at someone.

“Harry!” She bellowed.

Maybe it was the air conditioning, but it felt like my whole body was in a bucket of ice. I looked past Lottie and saw the all too familiar curls and wide eyes of none other than Harry Styles himself. He was standing with Matt. His eyes connected with mine for a second before breaking away as my car rolled on by.

Satisfied, Lottie rolled her window up and looked over at me with a lazy smile. Her brow furrowed when she looked at me. I still had my eyes trained at the passenger window.

“Louis?”

I shook my head, clearing my thoughts enough to pay attention to my driving.

“You ok?” My sister asked as I turned out of the lot.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You’re as white as a ghost. I’m supposed to be the sick one, not you.”

I didn’t respond. I just kept my eyes trained on the road in front of me. The sweet sounds of Ed Sheeran floating through the car being the only thing to calm my speeding heart.

“Louis. Talk to me. You were fine up until like 2 minutes ago. Was it something to do with Harry?” Lottie asked with her concerned sister voice.

I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. Normally I would have played it off as the summer heat, but we were in an air conditioned vehicle so I know that wouldn’t work. I would hope that Lottie wouldn’t see the blush, but I wasn’t at all surprised when she pointed it out.

“Ah I see. Talk to me Lou. What’s up with you and Hazza?” She sounded smug. I rolled my eyes but decided I should talk to _someone_ about it. Besides, I’ve always been able to talk to Lottie about these kinds of things.

“Nothing’s going on honestly. It’s just… I haven’t heard nor seen him in 2 years. I… I just don’t know what to think anymore. Like, yeah I’ll see him at the graduation, but what’s going to happen? Is he still going to hate me for the things that happened while we were in school together? Or are we going to act like best mates again?”

Lottie was silent for some time. I had completely forgotten she was beside me, too focused on driving and my own thoughts, that I was started when she spoke up again.

“Did anything happen between you two?” She asked hesitantly.

“No.” I said after a minute, a frown deepening on my face.

“Did you want something to happen?”

“I think I did. But when we were still friends, I was too afraid of myself to let anything like that happen. I’ll be honest, I liked Harry a lot. But it took me a year and a half after we left school for me to figure that out. Of course I figured it out to late. I don’t think anything would have happened anyway. It’s just… I hate how I was so afraid back then. I was so fucking afraid of who I was and what I wanted that I let the best person in my life slip by.”

The car filled with silence sans the radio.

“[The heart is like a compass. It either leads you closer to a person or it shows you another way. If it’s meant to be, it will be.](http://www.searchquotes.com/quotation/The_heart_is_like_a_compass._It_either_leads_you_closer_to_a_person_or_it_shows_you_another_way._If_/329884/)” Lottie said before closing her eyes for the remainder of the ride home

~*~

Two days after I saw Harry while picking Lottie up from school and exactly one week until I came face to face with him again, I was surprised to see that Harry’s status on Facebook had gone back to being single. It was a bittersweet moment. I don’t like to see Harry upset. Not at all. And if him being with someone, whoever they might be, made him happy, well that’s all I wanted to see. I wanted him to be happy and if he was happy with this person, I don’t want him to feel upset about breaking up with them or having been broken up with. But at the same time, I was happy because now, maybe just maybe I had a shot at being with him. Now of course there was one minor problem with that, I don’t think Harry’s gay or bi for that matter.

I don’t know what entirely motivated me into finding out how Harry felt about said breakup, but it was slowly eating away at me. I needed to know that he was all right. That’s how I found myself knocking on Lottie’s door. I could hear her on the other side talking to someone, either on Skype or the Xbox.

“What?” I heard her call through the door.

“Can I talk to you?”

“No. Go away.”

“Lots, please.”

An over exasperated sigh come out from behind the wood door before I heard the sound of the lock turning in the door. That’s something she did, she always locked the doors. It always drove our parent’s nuts.

Pushing open the door, I stepped inside her room.

“What?” She asked sitting back down on her unmade bed, gently placing her laptop back on her lap.

I walked over to stand next to her. I did it mostly to see who she was talking to and whether or not I should actually ask her for her help. She was on Skype with a friend. Not a friend from school, but someone she had met online several years ago (I know not the greatest idea but we have met the girl so we knew she was harmless).

“Um have you been on Facebook today?” I asked quietly

“Yeah why?”

“Well, did you see Harry’s relationship change?”

Lottie smirked up at me.

“Yes I did. What about it.”

“Uh well I just want to know if he’s ok. Can… can you ask him or talk to Matt and find out or something please.”

“Why don’t you do it?”

“Because I’m scared to.”

“Louis you’re 20 years old grow a pair will you.”

“So you’ll do it?”

“Yeah I guess so.”

“Thanks Lots.”

I turned and walked away as Lottie became typing furiously away on her laptop. I wasn’t totally losing it. I swear. I was just concerned is all. Around 20 minutes later Lottie came up stairs. She stopped in my doorway, rolling her eyes as she took in the concerned look on my face and the half eaten bowl of ice cream to my left.

“Well?” I questioned.

“He’s fine. He broke up with them. He said that it wasn’t going anywhere for him so he decided to break up with them. Funny thing is he never did mention weather it was a girl or guy he was with.” Lottie replied.

Maybe it was my hopefully dreams of being with Harry, but that last bit of knowledge really made me smile. Not only was Harry ok, but there was a (slight) chance that he _might_ be into me (unlikely but you never know).

“Thanks Lottie.” I said with a small smile on my cheeks.

“You’ve got less than a week Louis, you’re gonna have to face him sooner or later.” She said before strutting off back to her room.

~*~

I think I’m going to be sick. Today’s the day. It’s Lottie’s graduation. In a few hours I would be coming face to face with Harry Styles again. I was stood in front of my full length mirror. After countless outfits thrown on and off and the remnants chucked carelessly across the floor, I looked at my reflection finally satisfied. My appearance looked fine, but the fear and worry I was feeling was as clear across my face.

“You look nice.”

I turned around to see my mother leaning against the doorframe. She was smiling widely.

“Thanks Mum.” I muttered turning my gaze back to the mirror.

“Any particular reason you look so nice? I mean normally you’d just be in nice slacks and a button-up. Why the sudden effort?” Mum quizzed me

“Lottie told you didn’t see?” I sighed turning back around, facing Mum. I walked over and seated myself on my bed. Mum walked over and sat down beside me. She rubbed my back in that way that Mum’s always do, you know the ‘you’re feeling like shit so I’m going to comfort you and you’ll be fine and everything will be better and I know this cause I’m your Mum’ kind of way.

“You’re nervous aren’t you?”

“A little… yeah I am.”

“Don’t be. I remember how he used to look at you Lou, if he doesn’t fall into your arms the second he sees you, I’d be very surprised.”

“Mum…”

“Okay so maybe not like that. Just relax Lou, talk to him. It’ll work out one way or another.”

“Yeah but what if he’s disgusted by me? What if he thinks I’m some abomination to nature? What if he yells at me and tells me off and never wants to speak to me again? What if he hates me, Mum?”

“Oh Louis.” Mum cooed as she wrapped her arms around me, pulling me close as the first of the tears started to well up in my eyes. I couldn’t stop it now. I was finally having my ‘oh my god I’m gay and in love with my former-best friend’ moment.

I had gotten so worked up over the past few weeks, if not months, that I didn’t even have time to register the weight that all of this held. I was basically about to tell the person I cared about just how much I truly care about them and hope that it all turns out ok. I don’t know what’s going to happen; I don’t know how he will react. Why couldn’t I have figured this out when I was still in school with him? It would have made it easier. I would have been able to find out how he felt years ago and if it were bad then I would have been able to push him, and all the thoughts about him, out of my mind for good. But I didn’t and now I’ve been caring these feelings around for months and I have no idea what to do about them!

As the tears slowed down to a steady stop, Mum pulled me back slightly to look me in the eyes.

“Louis, you need to breathe. Whatever happens happens. Okay? Think of it this way, you telling him how you feel can go three ways. One, he will hate you and before you get upset hear me out. Two, he could be understanding. Three, he can feel the same way about you too. Now if it’s one, then you at least know how he feels. And from what I understand, you can at least be thankful for him because he was the person who was able to help you figure out who _you_ are. If it’s two, then at least it’s out in the open and you guys won’t feel so awkward about talking, or not talking, to each other and who knows, maybe you guys can be friends again. Now three, if it is number three, then you will be happy Lou. No matter what happens, everything _will_ turn out fine. I promise you, everything will be fine.”

“Thanks Mummy.”

“Good now that’s settled, go wash your face, you’ve got tear stains on your cheeks. We’re leaving in ten minutes.”

~*~

It was hot, far too hot for it to be normal for this time of year. It was late May and the entirety of Lottie’s school was standing outside the performing arts center waiting to be let into the cool interior of the building.

I watched as parents and students walked by, many of them dressed in blue or white graduation robes. People were smiling as the greeted one another. Many hugs were being exchanged as parents met other parents and as students clung to the last moments they had together as classmates. All together, it was a great day. People were happy. You could see it across everyone’s face. Families coming together to celebrate this moment of graduation, the last moments they had before their child headed off on their own to their respective universities.

I saw Matt approaching Lottie before she did. With the arrival of Matt, I knew it would be a matter of moments before Harry appeared.

Mum must have sensed the change in my mood as she was leaning in to whisper into my ear “Don’t forget what we talked about, Boo.”

I scuffed my foot against the ground, smiling up at Matt as he came up to me. I congratulated him for making it this far. We entered into slow conversation; however I couldn’t really keep my mind focused on the conversation at hand.

“Hi Louis.”

I knew that voice anywhere. It was thick like molasses and sweet as honey. I turned around and came face to face for the first time in 2 years with Harry Styles. He looked the same as he did this time 2 years ago. The same bouncy curls, the same dimple in his cheek, and the same stunning green eyes. The only change was his build. He had definitely grown up since I had last seen him. He was slightly taller, still taller than me, and his arms were more muscular. A slight scruffiness outlined his chin. Overall, he looked fucking stunning!

“Hi Harry.” I said barely above a whisper. I internally kicked myself for being such a scared little teenage-hormonal girl.

But Harry didn’t seem to mind. His smile grew wider, the dimple becoming more prominent.

“What do you say about us go for a walk to catch up, yeah?” He asked in his slow Harry Styles voice. I nodded my head as he turned heel and began walking towards the little river that ran parallel to the theater.

We walked in silence until we found a spot to sit down that overlooked the river. Harry turned to me, a smile still gracing his face.

“So how have you been these past 2 years, Harry?” I asked not really sure what else I was supposed to say. It felt so awkward that I didn’t know how to react around a person who I used to feel so comfortable with.

“I’ve been great. Mostly busy with school and everything. I’ve made a lot of friends, they’re great, a bit quirky but I like them. The city is great, loads to do there. I finally settled on majoring in sociology. I don’t quite know what I plan to do with that, but I’ve got time. It’s been pretty uneventful to be honest.” He looked at me as I clung to ever word he said.

“I saw that you were with someone at some point this past year, how was that not an event worth sharing Haz?” I joked around even though I could tell my voice was tense.

“Yeah I was. It wasn’t really anything special, we were just good friends but they’re transferring schools so it wouldn’t have lasted anyways. Besides, they were quiet boring.”

We both laughed at the last comment. I smiled lazily at Harry as I leaned back and let the warmth of the sun soak into my skin. I was starting to feel at ease again. After so much time being away, I was still able to fall into a calm serenity with him.

“What about you?” Harry asked.

I peered over at him as he looked on expectantly, waiting for me to answer. It took several tries before I could get any words out of my mouth.

“Uh well I guess mostly school. It’s been hard obviously, especially moving away and all. My first year was terrible. I hated my roommate and I hated my classes. Luckily the second semester went a lot better. My roommate moved out so that wasn’t a problem anymore. I changed major, that was a difficult discussion, but I’m happy with it all. I’ve made friends, but then they’d leave, either dropping out or transferring. I barely can keep any friends other than Liam. This year has been ok. Classes are challenging, but nothing I can’t handle. I’ve gotten to travel a bit more this year and I’ve been doing a lot more volunteer work. Oh and Mum got sick. I don’t know if you heard, but she’s got cancer. Her last treatment is next week thankfully. Um oh I came out to my parents. That was a different experience, but they were happy with me. And that’s basically all that’s happened in the past two years.” I said all in a rush. My eyes were closed so I didn’t know what Harry’s reaction was to all of that, particularly that last statement.

I’m not sure what was worse, the wait or the silence that filled the air around us.

“You… you came out?” Harry asked sounding surprised. I titled my head towards him and opened my eyes. He was staring at me with a look of, well shook on his face. “I didn’t expect that.”

“It’s okay, neither did I.”

“What do you mean?” He asked canting his head to the side, his curls falling out of his face to reveal his stunning eyes more clearly.

“Well it came as a shock to me, even though it shouldn’t have. I don’t know. I guess I was so dead set on believing that I couldn’t be gay that I began to believe that it was _actually_ and impossibility that I could be this way. But I’ve always known it. I guess I always _knew_ that I was this way even though I never would let myself accept it. It wasn’t until September last year that I finally told my head to shut up and I began listening to my heart.”

“Wow. Well good for you Louis. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks Hazza.” I felt like I could breathe easier now. Harry was accepting. He didn’t hate me. He didn’t think I was this disgusting, unnatural person or anything. He still cared.

“Can I ask you something?”

“You just did.”

Harry chuckled, shaking his head at me but behind the curls that where covering his face, I could see the small smile still there.

“You said you’ve always known. What do you mean by that?” he asked me.

“Let’s see. I first realized I had an attraction to guys when I was 14. But at the time I didn’t know what that totally meant, so I kept quiet and forgot about the incident. I was doing fine ignoring everything up until Year 11. That year I began thinking about it more and started noticing things more but I never acted on it. In Year 12 I got scared. I was so afraid of who I was that I began to suppress everything I had felt and started telling myself that I _can’t_ be gay. It took a long time for me to admit that I was gay and an even longer time for me to accept it.”

“What… what happened in Years 11 and 12?”

I guess I should have been expecting this question. This was the question I needed to be able to tell Harry everything. This was when I would tell him how I truly felt about him.

“T-There was someone. I really liked him but I was so afraid of myself that I didn’t really think much of it until a year and a half after we graduated. When I started thinking about who I was as a person was when I realized how deep my feelings ran for him. I mean I think I knew even back then how I felt, but wouldn’t let myself believe it.”

I looked at Harry to gage his reaction. He was staring at his hands, with his lip caught between his teeth as he ran through my words in his head. He lifted his head and locked our gazes.

“Who was it Louis?” Harry asked in the quietest of a whisper.

My nerves got the better of me. I began shaking my head, averting my eyes from Harry’s intense gaze. But Harry wasn’t having any of it. He gently grabbed my chin and lifted my head so I was looking straight at him.

“Who was it Louis?” He asked again.

“You.” I mouthed. I don’t even think a sound came out of me, but Harry knew. He saw the word form on my lips. He knew what I had said. I was shaking; I was so scared of what Harry would think and what he would say.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He said releasing his lip from where he had been biting it again. He always did that. Whenever he was nervous or confused or whenever he was in deep thought, he would always chew on his lip.

“I told you, I was scared. I’m so sorry Harry.”

Harry’s head snapped up so fast that I could have sworn his head would have popped off.

“Why would be sorry for that?”

“I just… I don’t know. I just… I’m sorry for everything that happened when we were still friends. I’m sorry that I hurt you and upset you. I’m just so sorry for all of that and just everything. I just… I’m really sorry Harry.” I said looking down at the ground. “Can I just ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Would it have made a difference if I had told you back then?  If I had accepted that I was gay back then, would it have made a difference?” I asked

“I don’t know. I think we were both confused about everything back then, so I really don’t know Lou.”

“What do you mean by that? That we were both confused?”

Harry didn’t say anything. He just looked at me with a fondness I hadn’t seen before. I didn’t know what was happening until I felt Harry’s warm lips against my own.

It was a kiss. A sweet, gently, loving kiss. Harry was kissing me.

Harry pulled away, a smiling dancing across his face as he cupped my cheek. His thumb rubbed against my cheek bone, which I was sure was a bright shade of red by now.

“I don’t know what would have happened then Lou, but I know what I want to happen now. When I saw you last week I knew what I wanted. I want you Louis, I think I always have. I want to wake up in the mornings with you beside me. I want to kiss you all the time. I want to walk down the street hand in hand with you and I want to sit at a little coffee shop on some random street corner. I want to have a family with you. I want to be with you. I want to hold you tight and whisper sweet nothings into your ear. I want to stop the tears whenever you’re sad. I want to make you smile and laugh every day. That’s what I want. I want to be in love with you Louis.”

The only thing I was aware of was the speed of my heart, the coolness of the tears streaming down my cheek and the absolute loving look Harry had in his eyes.

I couldn’t speck. So I acted. I brought us closer together, molding our lips together.

For once in my life, I was finally content. I was happy and I was in love with the boy of my dreams. With my family’s love and support, I took the leap of faith and landed into the arms of the man who I hope to spend the rest of my life with.

I’m in love with Harry Styles and I can finally say that he loves me back. 

**Author's Note:**

> Well if you read this and enjoyed it thank you!!! :D Love yoooou! x


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